HowTo:Be Completely Oblivious

“What? What just happened?”

~ Captain Oblivious on Being Oblivious

“In Soviet Russia, No one pays attention to YOU!!!”

~ Russian Reversal on Being Oblivious

You may think that that guy who's tuning you out or somebody that you see chatting away on the phone while their car is being stolen, might be just retarded, but what you don't know is the actual skill that it takes to be that oblivious to that's going on around you. This is a guide on the many techniques to completely lose touch with everything that is going on around you.

Techniques to Being Oblivious

The following techniques will help you in your quest for ignorance. obey them with all your heart.

Constantly use your cell phone

Become addicted to it. It is your new best friend, an even bigger friend than most of the friends you spend all your waking hours talking to them about it. If you don't have a cell phone, get one. NOW.
On no occasion are you to actually hang up your cell phone. You are to keep talking until they hang up on You. If you hang up on them, you may not muster up enough energy to start talking aimlessly to someone else.

Don't get a Bluetooth headset to talk to anyone. You must actually be using your hands to block your view, thus enhancing your experience on being oblivious.

Meditate

If you determine that getting a cell phone is too costly, you may determine that you need to find another way to become ignorant of your surroundings. One way is to meditate on something that has nothing to do with the task at hand. To do this you must be completely focused on being oblivious.
Sit in one spot and do not move. Think about something else. Sing a little song. Loudly. This is especially effective for tuning someone out and sending a clear message that you want people to shut up or you just like being annoying.